THE HALLOWED HOME DEPOT WINS AGAIN

It seems that whenever Spirit's lineup tries to impress me, The Home Depot shoves Jack the Reaper into a metaphorical locker and proceeds to seduce me with success most foul. Well, maybe not that much, but there are definitely some highlights I'd like to talk about. Commence!

One prop that we've known about since March was the Jack of Spades, this devilishly good-looking mob skeleton. He can smoke, he can drink his life away, and he can gamble just like you and I! He can be positioned sitting or standing, and why would you show this guy standing? He demands to be behind a table. Probably, ahem, the ""chillest mfer"" of this lineup. The thing about Home Depot is that their props are never usually that scary, but they make up for it by being awesome as shit, so they get a pass. Spirit, on the other hand, does not. When Spirit makes a non-scary prop, we must all point and laugh. 

Another notable character is the revered Captain Cuts, who I was only appreciative of at first. It's always nice to see nontraditional Halloween themes get attention, but Captain Cuts didn't CUT it for me. Not until he was in action did we see that he that he utilizes the beloved servo motors of SVI! Basically, no matter what the prop looks like, servos just always make it better. Blinking and shifting eyes are such a small thing that make a prop come to life. And this scallywag has swaying body movement, he's pretty much a Pirates of the Caribbean animatronic, which they should totally do if we're touching shoulders with all this nautical stuff (though it would probably be at Lowe's like the Haunted Mansion props and be made by Gemmy and be very shitty unfortunately.) 

There's also a servo Frankenstein's monster. He's cool, just like the other servo props. That's all I have to say. 

Now onto the props that truly grab me. The Plague Doctor is one that I just brushed over back in March, though I soon gave into his sickness (or lack thereof.) His phrases are actually super fucking cool, and the voice is amazing. The motion that mesmerizes me the most is his moving staff, which just loosens him up and makes him all the more lifelike. How the hell is he made by PAC?! They're supposed to make shitty witches and misfit props, which they still did this year, but this is a pleasant surprise. The only drawback are those dastardly EL wires. Why are they so misused? Why is a 14th century doctor lighting up like a damn robot? Either way, you can just unplug them, though if that also unplugs the lantern then it's so over. I don't know, creeps. I might actually sink my fangs into this one (that's Gothic for 'me want buy.')

And above all, an animatronic that I can safely say NO ONE EXPECTED and collectively shat their britches over is the servo Chucky. A servo Chucky?! GENIUS!! I think everyone remembers where they were when they first laid their eyes upon the leaked demo. Myself, I saw the compressed image of what appeared to be a rather not-so good guy, immediately realizing exactly what was going on. Most Chucky's we've gotten before were horrendous bump-and-go roombas. These killer dolls didn't even have the decency to vacuum while they roamed on their black round bases, but what did you expect? So when I noticed that there was no roomba base, I knew he HAD to be servo. It's the only reasonable decision to make, especially one that should've been done sooner! And this prop looks frighteningly phenomenal. I watch films like Child's Play and Killer Klowns with a technological appreciation, after all, I have an unhealthy obsession with animatronics, isn't that obvious? It's fascinating to see a radio-controlled robotic puppet move and make a fantastical character come to life, especially in Child's Play. So now that we have retail access to servo facial motors, you can see why it's so genius to use on this Chucky prop. It is quite literally like having the puppet from the '88 movie in your own house. 

At their lowest, I can relate animatronics to electronic toys. But at their highest, I will truly defend them as art. Are they not?! This Chucky animatronic is moving art! I love art and I would absolutely kill to display this thing as what it is: a spine-chilling spectacle to behold. Trick-or-treaters, be warned! This son of a bitch is inhabiting the corner of my porch, and you better not look at him the wrong way! $200 for this horrifying thing is nothing short of a fantastically fucking good deal. I want him. I want him. Before all the props dropped online, I thought that it was at least reasonable for me to purchase this little man. 

HE DOESN'T EVEN SHOW UP ON THE FUCKING SITE.

Chucky sold out so fast that it made my ugly head spin. The drop was last night! Did he sell out in, like, under an hour?! Of course! I foolishly did not take into account that, hey, maybe other fiends appreciated this art, too. A whole lot of other fiends. More akin to the brainless living dead, since a lot of the props are being scalped online. Bastards. I am genuinely scared that it may be impossible to obtain this animatronic. Will people camp outside the hardware store just to grab their doll? Are there going to be morbid Cabbage Patch Kid riots? Bring your torches. I wouldn't be surprised. One thing is for sure, however. I will be there. On top of the pile of defeated, braindead consumers, I will triumphantly lift the blood-soaked box high into the air. On the other hand, if I am continually met with empty stock of this animatronic, there will be one less chainsaw in the power tools section.