ODE TO JUMBO

I am personally a Slim enjoyer, though I know there are plenty of Rudys and an assload of Shortys. But when the cards are down, there is only one objective winner. 

Jumbo singlehandedly keeps this stupid killer clown movie from being just a stupid killer clown movie. While your favorite Klowns were out fiddling with pizza and bumbling around convenience stores, Jumbo was ON. THE. PROWL. For him, this wasn't a quick stop for some sustenance. He was hellbent on instilling fear in every single person he met, and those who were ignorant enough to lack fear. STAY AFRAID OF THIS KLOWN. He will kill and eat your dog without a second glance. He will prey on your seven-year-old daughter. He spends more time playing with his food than any other Klown. Scratch that, he doesn't even consider them food! He doesn't even take the bodies back in cocoons, he just kills for the fun, the sick bastard! 

When you show your friends a movie called "Killer Klowns From Outer Space," you of course lay it on that it's pretty ridiculous and shouldn't be taken seriously. But you do not prepare them for this one scene. It's like the Chiodo Bros, while writing their b-movie monster clown cheesefest, put down their pencils and said, "You know what? Let's just fuck some shit up and shoot an actual horror scene." And they did. Jumbo torments Dave with the corpse of his coworker, using him as a twisted ventriloquist doll, its tone is completely different than any other scene in the film. For a brief moment, we are torn away from all the silliness and experience how actually terrifying a bloodthirsty alien invasion would be. No more fun games, no more ray guns and cotton candy and goofy things. Jumbo pulls his hand out of the bloody crevice in Mooney's back and flicks the juice on the floor. We are NOT FUCKING AROUND ANYMORE. He just shoves the desk over and starts approaching Dave unarmed. What the hell was he gonna do, strangle him with his bare Klown hands?! Of course! I can only imagine the malicious glee he felt when Dave shot him TWICE in the chest to absolutely no avail. Such an entity of pure evil. Compared to his brethren, they're just wacky party clowns. Jumbo does not fuck around. 

You can pick any Klown as your favorite. But you must now understand that whenever you tell someone, you will say "My favorite Klown is ____ AND Jumbo." If you don't do this, I will be there. I won't hurt you or anything, I'll just be kinda mad about it and tell you to think about Jumbo next time.