PHANTOM GORIOUS

It seems that whenever Spirit's lineup tries to impress me, The Home Depot shoves Jack the Reaper into a metaphorical locker and proceeds to seduce me with success most foul. Well, maybe not that much, but there are definitely some highlights I'd like to talk about. Commence! One prop that we've known about since March was the Jack of Spades, this devilishly good-looking mob skeleton. He can smoke, he can drink his life away, and he can gamble just like you and I! He can be positioned sitting or standing, and why would you show this guy standing? He demands to be behind a table. Probably, ahem, the ""chillest mfer"" of this lineup. The thing about Home Depot is that their props are never usually that scary, but they make up for it by being awesome as shit, so they get a pass. Spirit, on the other hand, does not. When Spirit makes a non-scary prop, we must all point and laugh.  Another notable character is the revered Captain Cuts, who I was only apprecia...

I bitched about Slim, now it’s time for a similar tragedy from the same 2023 season. Our story begins in June, when Spirit Halloween released the names of their upcoming animatronics in a very clever gravestone motif. In a surprising bout of canonical inconsistency, one of these graves read “Thomas Brown Hewitt,” which is the real name given to Leatherface in the less-than-elegant Texas Chainsaw remakes, despite the fact it was clear this prop would be based off the ‘74 original. Either way, this was very exciting to hear, since we were not only getting a Lowe’s and Party City Leatherface, but a Spirit one as well! Three Leatherfaces! And with Spirit promising theirs to be the Pretty Woman look, how could this go wrong? How could this go wrong…  Now, when the Lowe’s Leatherface litigiously leaked back in February, I was understandably excited. I mean, this was the first Leatherface animatronic in nearly 20 years, still made by Gemmy! But this new Leatherface also serves as a perfec...

I'm on a Killer Klowns bender right now, so I thought I'd finally spills my guts about this stupid prop. For their 2023 season, Spirit Halloween offered us another long awaited Klown animatronic. The next logical step after Shorty, the children of the community were enthralled to hear that Slim is coming to a Spirit Halloween near you! Oh God. This is going to end in heartbreak (and make a skeleton cry.)  The first subjective red flag is that this prop is manufactured by Party Time, which is no surprise considering that they manufactured 2021's Shorty. He actually had an alright sculpt, I mean it definitely looks like Shorty (if you squint a little.) But the 2022 season killed any respect I had for this company. Nothing but awful, head-splitting FECES from them that year. Don't worry, creeps, I'll talk about 2022 in time. But just know that this company is not the first thing I think of when the word "quality" seeps into my brain.  Now the animatronic its...

I am personally a Slim enjoyer, though I know there are plenty of Rudys and an assload of Shortys. But when the cards are down, there is only one objective winner.  Jumbo singlehandedly keeps this stupid killer clown movie from being just a stupid killer clown movie. While your favorite Klowns were out fiddling with pizza and bumbling around convenience stores, Jumbo was ON. THE. PROWL. For him, this wasn't a quick stop for some sustenance. He was hellbent on instilling fear in every single person he met, and those who were ignorant enough to lack fear. STAY AFRAID OF THIS KLOWN. He will kill and eat your dog without a second glance. He will prey on your seven-year-old daughter. He spends more time playing with his food than any other Klown. Scratch that, he doesn't even consider them food! He doesn't even take the bodies back in cocoons, he just kills for the fun, the sick bastard!  When you show your friends a movie called "Killer Klowns From Outer Space," you ...

  Oftentimes I find myself simply thinking about Home Depot's (TM) Sitter of Souls from their 2023 season.  I remember this getting quite a bit of hate for some pretty good reasons, but by God, this design just hooks with me!  Now the phrases are pure shit, of course. It's so funny how the voice actor pronounces T's. But I am in love with the smile and the eyes and the pigtails and just everything about this for some horrible reason. Pan Asian Creations really doesn't make anything notable in my opinion, but this burlap girl lodged herself inside my brain, which believe it or not is a good thing. It means your design succeeded, uncredited artist! And for just $100 you could do A HELL OF A LOT WORSE (LOOKING DIRECTLY AT NIGHT TERROR) Also, every time I think about this prop, I pair it with the song "Play With Me" by the Insane Clown Posse. I haven't the brightest idea why, especially when there was a much more fitting prop from that same year (the doll that...

I bid you welcome, my guest, to my SHITTY HALLOWEEN BLOG! I wanted somewhere to just spam whatever I'm thinking at the time or to give thoughts on new halloween stuff that comes out.  That's it. Have fun to whoever's reading.